Ver. 2.0

As most of you who follow me on Twitter, and really why wouldn't you follow me, already know I finished my first 5k race this past Saturday. My only stated goal was to finish, which I did, however I did have a private goal in my head to finish in under an hour, which I didn't. But I'm okay with that and I'll explain why in a little bit. If you scroll all the way to the bottom of the Men's times you can see that I finished in 1:04:59 (chip time)--dead last of all the men. I came in just ahead of a group of 5 women that walked the whole thing.

( I hope you packed a lunch because this got pretty long. )

This past Saturday was so nice that I spent all day, and I mean ALL DAY, outside working in the yard. I’ll spare you the exciting tale of lawn mowing and instead skip to the fun stuff.

This first picture is how the western side of our backyard looked before I started. I had been very lax about pruning the bushes so they got huge, effectively killing all the grass underneath them. Which was fine with me because after the neighbors built their fence it was pretty difficult to mow behind them anyway. Then we got several feet of snow which bent and broke a lot of the branches so last year I cut them all way back and used my handy-dandy chipper to make mulch out of them.

So I decided to create a bed around the bushes to A) make it easier to mow and B) give the yard a cleaner look. I started by using a flat shovel to dig a 4-6″ deep trench in front of the bushes. After about 4 feet it looked like a drunken gopher was running amok in the yard. So I decided to use some twine and yard flags to make sure I stayed in a straight line.

After digging the trench it took about 75 feet of plastic edging to make the border of the bed. By this time TheLad was helping me with the trench. We backfilled the trench with the dirt we just dug out of it, making adjustments as we went. Then TheWife joined us and we all laid down the landscaping fabric, pinning it in place as we went. I only had 20 bags of mulch and by this time we were all pretty wiped out. So TheLad and I started putting that down while TheWife finished laying out the fabric.

As you can see in this photo we only covered about half of the bed, which measures out at about 750 sq ft. On Monday I went back to Home Depot for more mulch but they were sold out. Since it was on sale, they let me pre-buy 40 more bags at the sale price. Those bags arrived Tuesday. I rented one of their trucks to bring them home. TheWife and I unloaded all 40 bags in the 95-degree heat. And then left them.

Hopefully this weekend won’t be as miserably hot. I’d really love to cross this bed, the smallest of three, off my to-do list.

This post is just a taste of what is on Fast Food Zen. Try our specials!

Get in Shape:

Your body should be conditioned for a long journey. Begin a strict cardiovascular regimen. If there is no time, make sure the path you have chosen is within your physical abilities.

All groups should carry:

• Silent ballistic weapon
  (preferably a silenced firearm or crossbow)
• Extra ammunition for fifteen kills
  (if weapon differs from standard firearm)
• Telescopic sight
• Medium-sized medical kit
• Two-way radio with headphones
• Crowbar (in lieu of hand weapon)
• Water-purification pump

If you do not live in a two-story house, the attic will be a less comfortable but equally secure substitute. Most can be secured by simply raising the retractable staircase or removing the temporary ladder. Zombies lack the cognitive ability to build a ladder of their own. If you stay quiet, they will not even know that an attic exists. Never use a basement as a shelter. Popular horror flicks have shown that, in a crunch, this subterranean chamber can protect the living from the dead. This is a dangerous fallacy. Burning, suffocating, or simply starving to death in basements have claimed hundreds of lives over the years.

Instead of leading the undead on for miles, bait will draw them to a fixed position. This position could be constructed of debris, hastily erected barbed wire, wrecked cars, or your own vehicles. From the fixed position, your team will stand its ground, killing the zombies before they can overrun the barricade. In this instance, incendiary devices are ideal. A flamethrower (only in this case) would utterly destroy their ranks. If incineration is not an option, simple marksmanship will accomplish the same task. Make sure your distances are measured and your rounds are expended wisely. Use the barricade tactic in urban areas or those that provide great visibility. Specifically exclude jungles, swamps, or thick forests.

What is otherwise known as your basic "car" has thousands of variations. This makes it difficult to generalize about their advantages and disadvantages. When choosing, look for gas mileage, equipment storage space, and durability. If sedans have one major drawback, it is their lack of all-terrain capability. As stated before, most roads will be blocked, jammed, or destroyed. If you own a sedan, imagine how it would perform crossing a field. Now add snow, mud, rocks, tree stumps, ditches, streambeds, and a variety of rusting, forgotten junk. Chances are that your sedan would not get very far. Too often, the land around an infested area has been littered with broken-down and/or stuck sedans.

These weapons (rifle or pistol) fire a round no wider than a few millimeters and no longer than an inch. In an attack by the undead .22 rimfire stands proudly alongside its heavier cousins. The small size of its rounds allows you to carry three times as much ammunition. this also makes the weapon itself lighter, a godsend on long treks through ghoul-infested territory. Two disadvantages present themselves, however, when the use of a .22 is considered. The small round has zero stopping power. A ghoul taking a round to the chest would not even be slowed. Another problem is the lack of skull penetration at longer ranges. But do not discount this small and efficient firearm.

If you have a ladder, use it to continue to stock your upstairs refuge. If not, catalog what you do have, fill all sinks and other receptacles with water, and prepare for a long wait. Stay out of sight. If you listen to the radio, do it at a minimum volume. When the skies darken, do not turn on the lights. Do not go near the windows. Try to make it seem as if the house has been abandoned. This may not stop a random zombie intrusion, but it will help to discourage a mass congregation from descending upon your home.

How many zombies (approximately) stand between you and your destination? Where are the natural boundaries? Have there been hazardous accidents such as fires or chemical spills? What are the safest routes to take? What are the most dangerous? Which have been blocked since the outbreak began? Will weather be a problem? Are there any assets along the way? Are you sure they're still there? Can you think of any information you'd like to have before setting out?

Know your terrain. At least that factor will not change with an outbreak. If someone says to you, "Hey, let's just get going and deal with whatever's out there," hand him a pistol with one bullet and tell him that it's an easier way of committing suicide.

No information--historical, experimental, or otherwise--has surfaced regarding the results of sexual relations with an undead specimen, but as previously noted, the nature of Solanum suggests a high danger of infection. Warning against such an act would be useless, as the only people deranged enough to try would be unconcerned for their own safety. Many have argued that, given the congealed nature of undead bodily fluids, the chances of infection from a non-bite contact should be low. However, it must be remembered that even on organism is enough to begin the cycle.